Dealing With Marriage Woes After Childbirth

 

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No time, energy, money, and intimacy – these are just some of the elements that are lost or taken for granted the moment a child is born. While it’s a child’s presence that makes a family grow strong, it’s also a cause for disagreement.

The Escalation

Do you just wake up and realize that a lot of things happened and changed the moment your baby was born? Little things like not making the bed, burping after meals, leaving crumbs on the couch, failing to do the laundry, even laughing out loud, these small factors sometimes become so magnified that calling your partner out for these habits can escalate into full-blown arguments. These are quite typical occurrences especially if you’re the one who’s always left inside the house to nurse the baby and do the chores.

Deciding to have a baby after months or years of marriage is a big leap for couples that, if they are not prepared or educated enough for future possibilities and conflicts, will create a huge rift in their relationship.

 

Woes And Solutions           

Having a baby is a beautiful addition to married life; therefore to thoroughly enjoy the merits of being married to the one you love and having a baby, here are some of the difficulties that you can expect once your child is born and the possible solutions.

 

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  1. Equality In Doing Chores

Both of you are in it for the long run, that would include dividing chores and responsibilities inside the house. Just because one is bringing home the bacon, doesn’t mean the other is just slacking on house duties all day. Couples have to recognize that having a baby is like having a job – both requires undivided time and attention. Therefore, as loathsome as it may seem, household chores must be equally divided between couples. The best way to resolve who’s going to work on what is to post a “To Do” list to settle and manage responsibilities inside the house once and for all. No buts, no ifs, just do what you’re supposed to do.

“It is important to lay out the tasks that must be taken care of, and decide who will handle what. Sure, there will be times in which responsibilities may change or get redistributed, but having a clear framework from the start is beneficial,” writes Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., CPLC

  1. Intimacy Moments

Just because there’s a baby involved, doesn’t mean that you can’t set aside a specific portion of your time to get the romance going. Although sometimes, when life and obligations get in the way, the least that you can do is to have a healthy conversation to be updated on each other’s day while the night drifts away. You can also go on day trips together with the baby, or you can hire a sitter or leave the baby with the grandparents so that you can have some alone time together.

 

  1. Styles Of Parenting

Eventually, there will be disagreements regarding the style of parenting. A clash of opinions and beliefs on how to raise or nurture a child is a common parental issue that’s experienced by most parents. Styles may heavily rely on how the parents were raised by their parents that are usually based on traditions, cultures, philosophies, and religion. To manage ordeals in parenting style, couples must first talk about what their strategies are for taking care of their baby, and which is more favorable and agreeable for both sides.

“It’s not just the activity that matters, but whether two people are able to bond while interacting with one another,” writes Preston Ni, M.S.B.A.

  1. Finances

Money is the root of the majority of couple’s arguments and having a baby is undoubtedly a costly milestone in a couple’s life; which is why it is for the relationship’s welfare that married couples prepare for the never-ending expenses the moment the baby comes out. Only then will parents be more focused on taking care of their baby and not be occupied by the constant bickering related to financial setbacks.

“Be realistic about what you can afford,” write Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera, Ph.D.

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Parenthood is a rewarding turning point in any relationship; therefore, couples must treat it like they would treat a business deal which requires optimum planning and conditioning. It is easier for married couples to deal with parenting disputes if they are primarily aware of the circumstances that may occur in the future.

 

 

 

Counseling Information for Parents: Helping Teenagers Who Cut

Probably one of the terrifying realizations that parents have to find out about their teens is when they are intentionally hurting themselves through cutting.

 

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Sadly, cutting in teens is common these days; experts are calling it self-injury. Scratching or cutting the skin using anything that could make the surface bleed, such as razors or cutters, are some of the ways self-injury occurs. Other more severe means of self-injury are hitting or burning.

 

Why Parents’ Reaction Matters

Discovering that your teens or children are cutting can leave parents extremely worried, scared, and even enraged. Though these emotions are natural reactions, the most important thing that parents have to avoid is to be judgmental of their child. Instead of being judgmental, try to be more understanding and know the reason behind the act. But first, parents have to calm themselves down if they want to have a meaningful and relaxing conversation with their children.

“Prevention, intervention and treatment require families, peers, and systems to work collectively to put programs and practices in place that bolster the community’s ability to identify and screen higher risk youth but also to prevent and intervene when warning signs are noticed in any students.” says Janis Whitlock, MPH, Ph.D., and Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, Ph.D.

When conversing with your teen about the reasons why he or she did it, the first thing that you have to consider is that your child is going through pain and suffering, internally and externally. So you asking your teens a lot of questions and making them stop the act without listening to the reasons behind it can make your children feel ashamed and can only worsen the situation. Assure your teens that you’re there to listen, understand, and help because admittedly, there were instances when they wanted to stop cutting, but they didn’t know-how.

 

The Reason For Self-Injury

Teens that cut or intentionally hurt themselves have a number of reasons why they do it. But usually, the primary intentions for self-injury are:

 

  • To provide a distraction from the severe emotional pain experienced.
  • To feel something, because teens feel nothing or are dead inside.
  • To non-verbally communicate their unhappiness to stressful

 

Cutting is such a perplexing behavior for it can serve a lot of different purposes for one teen at different times. Whatever your teens’ reasons are for self-injury, it develops a destructive way of coping and managing problems in life.

 Erin Leonard Ph.D. explained that “the activities that, in the past, allowed children and adolescents the opportunities to reduce their anxiety have diminished from their current routines. Top it off with the developmental difficulties of adolescence, and the perfect storm begins to brew.”

No matter how disturbing or troubling the idea is to parents, cutting provides some sort of temporary diversion or relief from the problems their kids are facing. However, the act does not solve their issues and instead increases the risk for further medical problems.

 

Cutting Is Like A Drug

Cutting is addictive. The more your teens realize that self-injury is a solution to their grievances, the more they’ll do the deed. Repetition happens due to the temporary relieving effect teens feel whenever they cut, which they want to feel again whenever they encounter complications in their lives. Self-injury then becomes an addiction. Therefore, immediate treatment is required.

 

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Common Reasons For Self-Injury

Self-injury can be a product of culminating internal or external problems. Still, the scenario and reasons behind cutting can be due to several things, such as:

 

  • Mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder
  • Very low self-confidence and self-esteem
  • Physical or sexual abuse
  • Feeling alone and rejected
  • Perfectionism usually coming from parents
  • Recurrent conflicts with family and friends
  • Impulsive tendencies or being risk-takers
  • ADHD

 

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Seeking Professional Help

Once parents have evaluated their teens by calmly talking to them and finding out the explanation of why they did such a horrible act, parents must suggest treatment options. There are tons of ways to help your teens that can be provided by a therapist; often, these treatments would involve psychotherapy, family therapy, and medications.

 

Breaking the chain of cutting is difficult and challenging for your teens, which is why as parents it would help their condition if you show empathy to what they are going through, along with acceptance and unconditional love.

“Many who self-injure are reluctant to give up doing so, because it is such a powerful way to relieve negative emotion. For them, it is a primary tool for dealing with stress and upsetting situations, and they feel like they will be helpless without it.” Edward A. Selby Ph.D. emphasized.

It would be best to turn to BetterHelp to ease your burdens away. They have experts who can help you deal with your troubles.

My Child’s A Brat: Consequences Of Tolerating A Spoiled Behavior

If you raise a spoiled child, both of you will reap the consequences in the long run.

 

Parents listen up; spoiling your child is not healthy. If one day you end up asking yourself questions like, “Where did I go wrong?” followed by, “I gave you everything you need and want.” Well, you just answered your question. Love does not mean you have to give your kids everything they want just because they throw tantrums at you or whines every minute of the day.

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What Pushes Kids To Rebel Early

Having children is a wish for a lot of people. They say that you will only realize the true meaning of being alive when you have kids to care for and cherish. You will know what it’s like to sacrifice without feeling a morsel of regret about it. You can experience happiness, no matter how challenging it can be to provide their needs. 

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The thing is, most parents believe that the rebellious phase only comes when their kids hit puberty. That’s when they become hormonal, after all, and develop mood swings. It is a part of growing up – something that no one can ever stop. Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D. explains this “Although the young person thinks rebellion is an act of independence, it actually never is. It is really an act of dependency. Rebellion causes the young person to depend their self-definition and personal conduct on doing the opposite of what other people want.”

However, it is not uncommon either to see children rebel even before they become adolescents. To avoid becoming dumbfounded when you experience it firsthand, you should know what pushes them to become rebellious early.

They Feel Treated Unfairly

The first reason why kids rebel early is perhaps jealous. Among siblings, there is usually a weakling who require parents’ care more than others. If a child does not realize that, they may think that their mom or dad favors their brother or sister more. It may then cause them to act up so that they can receive some attention, regardless if it’s good or bad. “Sometimes parents think that comparing one sibling to another will inspire a misbehaving child to behave better.  It NEVER works this way. Comparisons hurt.” emphasized Eileen Kennedy-Moore Ph.D.

Their Parents Filed For Divorce

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When parents decide to divorce each other, they say that it’s for the best. However, kids do not exactly understand that and want their mom and dad to stay together forever. If it does not happen, they may choose to take part in activities that they have been told not to do. E.g., sneaking out, smoking, dating, doing drugs, etc. Marilyn Price-Mitchell Ph.D. says that “Research shows that parents who experience conflict in their relationship tend to use inconsistent disciplinary strategies with their children. Why? It is hypothesized that the way parents discipline children varies with the status of the spousal relationship.”

They Have Depression

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Children can have depression. Millions of them have already been diagnosed with it from the tender age of 3. Dealing with this disorder entails that they may push away their loved ones. When their siblings try to play with them, the depressed kid may turn their back. If the parents want to bond with them or take a picture together, they either lock the bedroom door or not smile at all.

No One Seems To Understand Them

This issue is typically experienced by kids with high IQ levels. The truth is that some brilliant children tend to talk about things that their parents with average IQ may not understand. They may speak of quantum physics in the middle of a conversation, and their mom or dad will not know how to respond. They may ask about chemical reactions, but no one tries to answer them. As a result, they act up to gain a response.

Final Thoughts

Kids are born good. They may already show different personalities as soon as they arrive, but they are all sweet and cuddly. Their only fault is that they are excellent at copying the actions or emotions of others. In case you notice their attitudes turning sour, therefore, there is no one to blame but the people they hang out with most of the time.

Considering you don’t want your kids to rebel early, you should not push them to do it with your decisions and behavior.

Turning the Negative to Positive: Developing Optimism in Children

This world needs positivity, and it’s up to the kids to make that happen.

Optimism is rare these days, not a lot of people is as positive as they intended to be. But the thing about optimism is, it can take you places if you’ll only open your mind to possibilities. This mindset is something that you have to teach your kids especially now that there are heaps and heaps of unforeseeable challenges ahead.

“Optimism is a mindset.  It encompasses a ‘can do’ attitude, such as seeing opportunity where others see failure,” write Shoba Sreenivasan, Ph.D., and Linda E. Weinberger, Ph.D.

 

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What To Do When You Realize How Spoiled Your Child Has Become

The parents at my daughter’s school often get encouraged by the teachers to take part in their extracurricular activities. Whenever we go there, we would bring home-baked goodies, pasta, and other foods that they may like. I get to interact with a lot of moms and dads and kids as well, so I feel secure about who my baby interacts with daily.

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I must say, most of the kids are well-behaved. Some boys are a bit unruly, but it is understandable for young kids. If there’s anyone who’s most peculiar, it’s probably Sam, a little girl whom I heard my daughter and her other classmates complaining about.

From what I have observed, Sam is not the type to play with her peers at the playground. When she does, she always wants to be the center of attention. Otherwise, the girl would pout or cry loudly or take others’ things by force.

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When the teacher did not know how to handle her behavior anymore, she called in Sam’s parents. However, only her father came. As it turned out, the little girl is a product of a broken home. To compensate for the divorce, her parents decided to give her anything she wants, even if it no longer makes sense. That’s why it resulted in the child becoming spoiled.

“A spoiled person is unhappy. He feels frustrated, even cheated, if he or she is not allowed to indulge his or her wishes immediately,” writes Fredric Neuman, M.D.

There was an event at school when Sam’s father talked to the teacher, so we could not help but see how he reacted while listening about his daughter’s behavior. He was shocked, yes, but it was also evident that he understood what the problem was. The man left the school that day with his head down and his arms on either side of his body.

I am lucky for having a thoughtful child, but what can you do when you realize how spoiled your child has become?

Stop Buying Everything They Ask For

The first thing you must do is to stop splurging on whatever your kid wants. Not everything will be handed to them in a golden platter in the future. If you continue doing that, they will not know that that’s not how life works.

“Perhaps the most basic value about money that children can learn is that it should not define them. Instead, who one is, how one behaves, and how one treats others, rather than, for example, what one drives or wears, should determine their value as people,” writes Jim Taylor, Ph.D.

Give Them Responsibilities

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It is also advisable to give chores to children as soon as they can hold a mop. You can start by asking them to fix their bed every morning. Then, you may ask them to organize their books and toys. Over time, they can help you set the table or sweep the floor.

“Being a part of the ongoing work of running a household helps children develop an awareness of the needs of others, while at the same time contributing to their own emotional well being,” writes Dan Mager, MSW.  

Teach Important Values

Spoiled kids carry an idealistic belief that they can get anything they want. Thus, it makes them selfish, entitled, and too proud of themselves. To avoid that, you need to teach them good and bad traits so that they can treat people well.

Final Thoughts

Raising children with someone you no longer love can undoubtedly be challenging. You have to see your ex to co-parent your kids. You want to make sure that the little ones will not feel incomplete because of the divorce. However, it should not be an excuse to spoil your children to the max.

Find the balance between making kids feel loved and giving them the best things in life. Good luck!

Safeguarding Your Children from Cyberbullying

Bullying, among other aspects of life, has found its new platform by going digital. Now, it’s not just your kid against oppressors at school but also your kid against the digital world. “Cyberbullying is just another tactic used to harass and cause emotional pain to an individual,” explains DeAnn Harvey, PsyD.

And it’s quite worrisome to realize that your children can be terrorized at any time of the day even at the comforts of your own home by just logging into their social media accounts.

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Malini Saba – Not Just A Mom

Have you been burdened by gender roles ever since you became a mother? Although most people and companies practice equality these days, there are still a few who think that moms are supposed to stay at home only. Your job is to take care of your husband and kids, not to build your career, or so they say.

If the idea does not sit well with you, try to gain inspiration from Malini Saba.

The Past

Malini’s life story began when she was born to parents with mid-range income in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Her family then moved to Australia, where she remained until the age of 19. Afterward, she decided to relocate to the United States with her then-husband and try her luck there. This was a significant risk on her part, as she only had 200 dollars as pocket money when she traveled.

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Even though she admitted that they were living in a non-sturdy apartment near the railroad, her former spouse was a student in Stanford University, and it allowed Saba to join a few classes without paying a cent. The fields of studies that caught her interest were related to investment and business. By the time she gained enough information through the lectures she had shown up to, Malini had gone on to ask for guidance from investment bankers and other professionals in the financial industry who know more than the theories taught in the classrooms. Her persistence to learn the tricks of the trade even led her to come uninvited to various parties where she could meet such experts

The Present

Malini Saba’s efforts have paid off since she is now one of the leading female investors on the planet. The investments she had made not only in the US but in South Asia and Europe as well are concentrated in technological, oil and gas, and agricultural industries.

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Being a seasoned capitalist in Silicon Valley, Saba has stocks in companies like Paypal, Netscreen Technologies, and Sycamore Networks. She is also into market commodities. When not a lot of entrepreneurs were doubtful about investing in India, she disregarded the hearsays and bought thousands of hectares of rice fields and ventured into gold mining.

Her success in the business has allowed her to donate millions for the creation of the Heart Research Center for South Asians in Mountain View, California and the 2004 tsunami victims in Sri Lanka and India. 

Stree

Malini Saba has put up her foundation too in 2001 named Stree: Global Investments in Women. She has seen how many mothers and children live on the planet without a source of income and can only depend on the salary of their husbands and fathers, respectively. She created Stree as she wishes to empower the female population of various countries who belong to impoverished families by giving them free training and education on diverse practices that they can make money out of shortly. Medical assistance is also available to them. The lady CEO believes that these are the simple things she can do to help them lead more exceptional lives.

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Her Definition Of Success

Success in the eyes of Malini Saba entails being able to follow one’s passion with a smile painted on their faces. Her most significant accomplishment is giving birth to a lovely daughter who provided her a sense of completion as a woman. The young child serves as her main inspiration as well to create a better world for everyone.

Also, she disclosed that living in the past is not one of her philosophies. History should only become a foundation of strength and knowledge. In case something knocks her down along the path to real happiness, the fall will be softer, and she can get up fast again.