I remember being upset with my parents from the later part of my childhood up to young adulthood. The reason was that it felt like they were nicer to my younger sister compared to me. They always helped with her homework and exam preparations while I was always told that I should learn how to do it on my own. It got to the point where I willed myself to keep a poker face around my family to prevent showing any sign of weakness.

The thing was, my parents never admitted to favoring my younger sister when it came to kid’s mental health on tough love more.  Mom often insisted, “It’s just the same for you both. But sometimes, we give in to your sister and help her more because she is weaker than you.” To that, my typical reply was, “Then, you should have pushed her harder instead of babying her.”

Nonetheless, my resentment melted away when I realized that my folks give me the biggest favor of all time when they gave me tough love. This realization that I got benefits as a child given as a children’s mental health on tough love is strengthened. The tough love approach of many parents can teach children how they can stand up on their own feet and be responsible of their own actions. A kid can learn how to be independent and choose friends wisely.

How Did That Happen?

Even though Mom and Dad pretty much gave me free rein to decide on how to run my life from a young age, I still received scolding from them due to my actions, but never extreme physical punishment or any other harsh punishment. Just for the record, the scolding never caused emotional abuse or verbal abuse on my part as I understand fully the parent child relationship. Because of that, as a young child, I quickly figured out that failing hurts and that I didn’t want to experience it repeatedly. Considering child’s mental health, I learned to be careful with my decisions as an individual person and consider possible ways to attain my goals so that I wouldn’t always give my parents the satisfaction of telling me what I was doing wrong. That’s how I feel safe mentally and emotionally.

I could honestly say that tough love played a significant part in my success as it made me wiser than my peers. It became a child’s development factor for me. I knew that holding a grudge to anyone would have never let me get where I am now; instead, I needed to prove to myself that I could do things without my parents’ help despite dealing with negative consequences. And it happened — all those years of looking out for myself paid off.

How Did Tough Love Not Ruin My Mental Health?

You might not be able to imagine how many times I told people about my life story and how many of them asked, “But are you genuinely okay, mental-wise? Don’t you need to see a therapist or child’s mental health professionals for advice diagnosis or treatment?”

I guess their queries are understandable since plenty of individuals who received tough love from childhood ended up with depression, anxiety, and other psychological disorders. However, as shocking as it may sound, the experience has not caused me to lose any of my marbles. It may have fortified my mental resilience because other life obstacles that I have dealt with ever since have failed to compare to it.

The more I chatted with the people who felt victimized by their parents’ tough love, the more I realized what Mom and Dad did to ensure that it won’t ruin their child’s mental health as they stick to realistic consequences.

They Never Used Corporal Punishment

Corporal punishment is a traditional method of disciplining children. Back in the day, if the child cheated on an exam or started a fight at school, for instance, their mother or father would smack them on the head or shake them hard. Some parents even used belts, brooms, and various household items to hit the children’s bottoms, legs, thighs, or hands. They most likely thought that discipline could be beaten into a child (literally).

Since Mom and Dad never used corporal punishment to discipline me, though, I did not experience the physical pain that came with it. My chances of having repressed anger towards my parents or impaired emotional or mental development were low, too. But, I learned a lot about following rules and boundaries. They provided an example of behavior that would lead to consequences. And for that, I respect their tough love methods.

Giving Empty Threats Wasn’t Their Cup Of Tea

I had always been weirded out by moms and dads who uttered empty threats to their growing kids. They could say, “If you don’t behave, the police will arrive to get you” or “If you don’t wash up now, I will call the monsters and let them eat you.” Without sounding like a prejudice, who could do that to their children?

Although dishing out empty threats is common, I’m glad that my parents have never been into it. Whenever I was misbehaving, they merely uttered, “You can’t play video games all weekend” or “We will cancel your playdate.” Then, if I still didn’t straighten up, they would do what they just said. Missing playdates and losing good access to video games one too many times could make any child like me realize that parents weren’t to be messed with.

They Always Scolded Me In Private

Another thing that made me grateful to my parents was their term tough love decision to scold me away from prying eyes. My sister or anyone else in the family never saw or heard them talk my ears off, claiming that they wanted to teach me a lesson, not embarrass me in ways. Although it took some time before I understood it, my parents’ thoughtfulness allowed me to be mentally stable. When I was younger, they also used play therapy in child development to help me express my side of the conversation.

Final Thoughts

My relationship with Mom and Dad officially improved when I started raising my firstborn child. I realized how much pressure they were likely under to make sure that I was growing up well — and those pressures and challenges of parenting in the digital age are only going to increase. So, to keep me from going out of line most of the time, they taught me how to be resilient and decisive. Could there be a better gift than those?

FAQs

What Are The Negative Effects Of Tough Love Parenting?

How Does Tough Love Affect Children?

What Are Some Good Mental Health Questions?

Why Do Kids Need Parental Tough Love To Mentally Develop?

What Happens When A Kid’s Needs For Tough Love And Affection Are Unsatisfied?

What Happens When Kids Don’t Receive Enough Tough Love?

What Happens When Kids’ Emotional And Mental Health Needs Are Not Met?

Why is a child’s need for love considered the most important need?
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My friend Joanne has five children ages 3 to 14, and her home here in California could instantly transform into a madhouse when everybody wakes up in the morning. I should know – I live next door to her. She starts to get busy at 6 in the morning when she makes breakfasts for the kids and then packs their lunches. Frequently, she has to find the other shoes so the preschoolers won’t be late for school. She hurriedly fixes the hair of her seven-year-old and goes to the bathroom to brush her five-year-old son’s teeth. When everyone’s out, and into the bus, she gets to sit for five minutes, chats with me from her patio for 2 minutes, and then gets ready for laundry. She often tells me that it has been an awesome spectacle that she has been blessed with.

Ironically, several studies have proven that parents with three or more children are essentially the happiest. The love and delight that these parents get from their kids surpass the frequent madness of life with a large family. However, due to necessity, parents of many kids must learn to practice smart hacks and tactics in order to keep up with life while maintaining an organization.

Consumption for Large Families

• Develop a routine for favorites. As a parent, it is easier to ask your spouse and children what their top of the list of food and snacks. You can then list them and create a rotation of these food choices weekly or monthly. You’ll find that it becomes less difficult to go grocery shopping and to plan your meals.
• Designate cups, glasses, and plates. When the day starts, it’ll be more organized if your children already have names assigned to their plates and glasses for the day or week. This way, they’ll put them on the counter, and that’ll be their glass for the day.
• Use a large bread to make mini sandwiches. I’ve seen Joanne do this when she prepares lunch packs for her kids. She puts some spread and vegetables on French bread and cuts them into mini-breads for all of them. This is such a great hack.

 

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Get Rid of Your Stress

• Be an early bird. Things are indeed more structured in the mornings if you wake up early and get dressed even before the kids are awake.
• When you have trouble keeping the whole house tidy and organized, and you have guests coming over, or you just need to keep some of the house clean, the general suggestion is to make sure that two of the rooms are clean and in order.
• Start a journal. Writing down your happy thoughts and experiences helps improve one’s optimism. Practice it every day and look back on your good memories at the end of the year.

Pacify The Chaos

• Go with color-coding. Designate a specific color to each of your kids. Color-coded glasses imply one glass per kid rather than seeing ten glasses on the sink all at once. When you see towels scattered on the floor, you’ll know who to reprimand and ask to get their mess cleaned up.
• Invest in bins and baskets. I do this, too, with my toddler’s toys and books. It’s going to save you time and space to keep your children’s things in labeled containers. For books, you can rotate them every four weeks into the shelves for your children to reach and use. This hack is definitely a keeper!
• Establish stringent routines. Set after-school rules like taking off their shoes, cleaning their lunch boxes, putting away their backpacks in an assigned space, and then doing their homework. Make them practice these rules every single day until it becomes a routine.

Save Time, Effort, and Space

• Have comfortable hair and tooth brushing spaces. Joanne tells me this hack has really helped her save more time in cleaning and organizing the home. She has a drawer behind the counter for the kids’ toothbrushes, and it’s easier for them to do the brushing after they eat – they don’t need to back upstairs. The hairbrushes are also kept at a certain area in the living room where she can get one and fix her daughters’ hairs while they’re sitting down for breakfast.

 

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• Consider one-time reading for everyone. You might have to rethink the usual bedtime stories. With four or more kids, you’d be spending and wasting two hours on that. After their daily routines, invite them over to the living room and let them listen to an interesting audiobook. You can join in too while you’re folding the laundry.
• Do without the extracurriculars for children below 7. It’s been difficult for Joanne to keep track of her 3-year-old playing with the tools in the garden while she’s busy with her other kids. She decided that it wouldn’t take much of her kids’ childhood if they didn’t do too many extracurriculars until they are seven and up. They can be happy and enriched without them for a while.

 

 

 

Unlike physical violence, emotional abuse does not leave kids with a visible scar. Often, it gets impossible to detect that there is something wrong with children’s behavioral responses. Sometimes, kids can show a perfectly happy face while hiding sorrows and pain. Unfortunately, emotional abuse can have life-long damaging effects, such as weakening the kids’ emotional development and sense of self-worth. As a parent, you must recognize the signs of emotional abuse you might not know you’re giving your kids throughout the lockdown period.

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Showing Random Emotional Outbursts

Understandably, you get stressed with all the uncertainties caused by the pandemic. But if you are a parent that often shows your kids random outbursts, you might want to quit doing that. When you continuously show your kids that you are unable to control your emotions during this time, it makes them realize that their emotional needs are incomparable to yours. They will think that your outbursts are more critical, and they will soon neglect theirs. The kids will be more likely to experience holding on to their emotions until they no longer understand what those are. As a result, children will have difficulties achieving self-composure.

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Always Resorting To Aggression

Like other individuals, you also experience stress and anxiety due to the limitations you need to follow. Sometimes, it causes a different level of pressure where a parent like you resorts into aggression. In a pandemic time like this, the possibility of you shouting and yelling at your children is present. That is even for their small mistakes. You might view it as a normal life situation, but it does not help anyone in the family, especially the kids. It only creates emotional pressure. If that continues, kids will soon internalize the abuse and might lash out on others. Thus, the children might imitate the harsh treatment and not care if what they are doing hurts others.

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Lack Of Confidence To A Better Future

As a parent, you have to protect and care for your kids. However, when you are not confident about a better future because you believe that the pandemic is getting worse every day, you might want to reconsider that thought. When you always tell your kids about your frustrations, fear, and cynical hope in the situation, they might adapt to the same thinking. It will make them believe that the world they live right now is nothing but a place that only caters to an unsafe environment. If you continue to put scary information in the children’s heads, they will soon lose all the positivity of wanting things to get better. And soon, the kids will dismiss their feelings and end up emotionally unstable.

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No Safe Space For Children

Some parents who emotionally abuse their kids do not create a safe space and environment that allows their children to cry. In this pandemic context, some parents strongly demand their kids to accept everything that is happening even if the children cannot understand the situation. That is the worst thing that kids will have to endure during this lockdown. When parents are neglecting their kids’ emotional needs, it becomes ten times stressful for them. That is because kids’ will have to force themselves to bottle up their emotions to survive mentally. In the long run, kids who often suppress their emotions will heed towards inadequate coping mechanisms, including drug and alcohol abuse.

So if you are a parent who takes full responsibility in keeping your children safe from the infectious disease, consider securing their emotional well-being. Please do not become the cause of their emotional turmoil, especially when all they can rely on is you.  If you need assistance, BetterHelp is a great platform to help you face any complications in life. They are there to help you end the misery you are in.

Due to the Coronavirus outbreak, most adults try to live their lives on shaky ground. There’s too much anxiety to deal with and a lot of stress that takes up their everyday struggle. Often, the pressure of the situation that adults feel disrupts their ability to concentrate. So imagine how much more this pandemic situation is affecting the kids more than the adults.

As an adult and a parent, dealing with things in this global crisis is complicated. That is if you are also trying to look after your children. The pressure of staying attentive not only for your sake but for your kids as well is twice the burden. But if you are one of those parents that experience difficulty in explaining children about what is going on in the world today, you might not need to worry. Here are some guides that can help you make the children understand the situation.

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Be Honest About What’s Going On

Some parents want to protect their kids’ emotional and mental health by not telling them about the real health situation of the world. That is understandable at some point. Kids are vulnerable in terms of accepting the danger and complication of the situation. Some of them can quickly feel scared and threatened by the disease. However, though their level of anxiety and stress is different from adults, you should at least be honest with them about the global crisis. You need to explain that the world is suffering from the uncertainties of the Coronavirus. No, the purpose of telling the truth is not to input negative thoughts in their heads. Instead, explaining to them the real status of what’s going on will help them realize the importance of taking safety measures.

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Discuss The Possibility Of Death

As previously mentioned, sugarcoating about the situation will not help the children understand the crisis. Therefore, it is better to allow them to feel the emotional and mental pain because they need those to develop both of its stability. You need to talk to the children about the possibility of death due to the disease as well. Allow the kids to accept death as a normal circumstance, so they will not get a heightened level of fear towards it during this pandemic time. Ensure that you allow your children to process thoughts and emotions aligning with acceptance and acknowledgment too. That will help in preparing them for what might happen in the worst case possible.

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Never Force Them To Understand

It might be necessary to let your kids know about their responsibilities during this time of crisis, but you have to make an exemption somehow. Not all kids are alike, and some of them cannot quickly grasp the pressure of the situation. Therefore, never force them to understand everything as it will cause damage to their mental and emotional health. Instead, give children time to think and process the things they see, hear, and experience so that they can find a better way to deal with the situation independently. The pandemic crisis is too much to handle for you, so consider how stressful it is for the kids.

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Takeaway

These guidelines in explaining your kids the Coronavirus situation is essential. However, you must not forget to give kids the assurance of you always being there for them. You have to make the children feel that they are safe with you and that you won’t allow anything to happen to them. That way, despite the kids having to go through the process of painfully understanding the situation, they can still handle themselves well.

Parents are Sherlock Holmes in finding out children’s intelligence, gifts, and talents, not the school. They can take the role by acknowledging their child’s smallest abilities, asking other significant people who have close contact with their child, asking their child’s likes and dislikes, and finally, allowing their child to experiment by letting them explore things by their own. Of course, parents must be present on the days when their child is having his/her first-time experience with something. Being a talent detective will allow the parents to discover more hidden talents that they did not imagine that their child can do. 

“Ideally, you as a parent can help your child find their way into a variety of interests that can potentially become a passion. If you see their eyes light up when doing a specific activity, then there’s a chance they may have found one, and now it’s time to develop it,” says Wendy Rice, PsyD.

 

 

Continue reading “Discovering Child’s Talents And Skills”

 

Parenting has its ups and downs; either way, situations about childcare can affect a couple’s relationship in ways unimaginable, often for good, yet sometimes, for the bad.

 

Having kids is a wonderful addition to the family. However, nobody said how it would be challenging on people’s marriages the moment their children start to weigh in on their relationship to the point that partners no longer have time for themselves.

 

Marriage First

 

Although it is a common notion that inside the family, the children’s needs must come first, it is also essential that couples remind themselves that without a harmonious and robust relationship between them, a happy and loving environment will not exist. Making the bond a priority will not only reinforce a stable relationship between couples but also create a trusting relationship with their children.

 

How can you prioritize your marriage? By doing these simple steps in making sure that quality time is not taken for granted:

 

1. Establish Rituals

 

Date nights during the weekends are often recommended to couples; however, this does not always work especially when you bring your kids with you. So aside from scheduling weekends for “couples time,” and wishing that it would be a successful event, consider establishing simple, romantic daily rituals. Say, for example, making each other’s favorite blend of coffee or talking about individual plans to start off the day. At night, talk about the entirety of the day before you both head off to sleep. Send funny or sweet texts even once a day to remind your partner that you are thinking of him or her despite the busy schedule.

“Couple-time rituals include recreational activities, communication times, and getaways you both enjoy. Here are some examples to get you thinking. A morning coffee ritual. A Saturday date night ritual. An exercise ritual. A little dance ritual. A daily expression of gratitude ritual. A final words, final moments, end-of-the-day ritual,” writes Mark Powell, D.Min.

Enjoy each other’s company, and as much as possible do not allow any types of interruptions when you’re together. Do not weaken your connection just because you are parents and have to deal with a lot of distressing situations in your lives.

2. Always Be Grateful

Focusing on the negatives occurring inside and outside the house is easier than focusing on the positives, especially if your better half gets on your nerves when he or she fails to do tasks or obligations.

 

 

Though it’s hard to let go of errors, it’s more beneficial if both couples would instead focus on the things that they love about each other. Note the qualities that amaze and endear you to your significant other and always be generous when giving compliments. Be thankful for each other’s existence and the efforts made to keep the family intact. Focusing on the good things about each other and expressing it on a regular basis strengthens relationships and builds trust. Knowing that you appreciate and love each other is essential in every marriage.

“Instead of just waiting for the other person to make you feel good, you can jumpstart that cycle and take it into your own hands by focusing on what’s good in your relationship,” says Dr. Amie Gordon, a psychologist from U.C. Berkeley

3. Support Each Other All The Way

Looking after your children should not be the focus of your entire existence; you are still individuals who yearn to do recreational activities that boost personality and character. If your partner has found something he or she enjoys, give your full support. If your partner wants to enroll in a dance class, don’t stop him or her. This show of support is just one of the few things that would remind your partner how much their individuality means to you.

“Ask how you can help – don’t assume you know what to do. Afterward, talk about what worked and what didn’t and adjust accordingly,” writes Joni E Johnston, Psy.D.

Remember that it’s vital for couples to spend time romantically together. Do not lose sight of the reasons why you are together and what made you love each other. Besides, the children wouldn’t mind if their parents would go out on dates and rekindle the flames of their relationship.

 

 

 

Quarrels and misunderstanding are inevitable in all relationships. Being tied to one another, seeing each other every day, experiencing stressors in life and with children, could further escalate instances of dispute within a union.

 

The Bad Side Of Conflict

Although it is normal between married couples to lose their cool at one another for whatever issues that may arise, they should remember that amid the bickering and yelling, some innocent eyes and ears witness and absorb every word and action spewed to each other.

 

Be wary that your children are sensitive when it comes to seeing their parents argue and the more they get exposed to these kinds of struggle within their homes, the more they become negatively affected.

 

 

 

How do marriage confrontations in front of children affect them?

 

1. Development Of Mental Illnesses

Witnessing continuous discord accompanied by screaming and cursing can pose long-term destructive effects on your children’s mental health. Development of mental issues like depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and self-confidence, anger, fear, and even sleeping difficulties may occur. Marilyn Wedge Ph.D. says that “For years I’ve found in clinical experience that the number one cause of children’s psychological problems (apart from severe abuse and neglect) is parents having arguments in front of their kids.”

 

2. Guilt Feeling

There are two ways that children can feel guilty when their parents fight: that they are the cause of why they argue all the time or which side they have to take. Both are incredibly traumatic and damaging to kids. The feeling of being at fault for the discord happening inside the house is a tragic realization that would be imprinted in the minds of your children. On the other hand, having the feeling of taking sides can be confusing and chaotic. Asking children to choose can result in more harmful results like parental alienation.

 

3. Treacherous Terrain

Homes are supposed to be loving and comforting; this provides children a safe impression. However, due to constant quarrels, this safety feeling is threatened, and children now perceive their homes as a treacherous environment that is a source of stress and burden. “Research confirms what any child can tell you, which is that it’s frightening when adults yell at each other. After all, parents are the child’s source of security. When parents seem out of control, the world becomes a scary place.” explains Laura Markham Ph.D. Because children wanted to avoid witnessing their daily dose of parental dissonance, they would be involved with the bad company and will engage in illicit habits.

 

4. Distrust With Parents

Children paint pictures of parents as role models or heroes. However, seeing their primary source of happiness and inspiration experience a tumultuous connection drastically changes children’s perception of who their parents are. This realization could lead to your children to creating a massive barrier because of fear and emotional suffering that could eventually cause distrust and dishonesty.

“The marriage that kids see at home gives them a lasting impression of how relationships are supposed to work. If your child sees you and your husband fighting on a regular basis, this will be the type of relationship that she will be unconsciously drawn to in the future.” emphasized Dr. Samantha Rodman, clinical psychologist and founder of DrPsychMom.com.

 

 

The Good Side Of Conflict

Conflicts create a more mature version of oneself which can also lead to garnering a certain degree of boldness and strength; this is true with marriages and especially with kids witnessing parental disharmony. Though it is already established that fighting in front of kids can result in adverse repercussions, there can be a positive side to it.

 

Research suggests that for as long as parental discord does not threaten children’s emotional security, settling disputes in front of kids is beneficial and becomes a learning process. This eventually helps kids grow up to become better observers, thinkers, and decision-makers. Responsible parenting calls for parents being assertive in clarifying what the argument is all about and showing their kids that, at the end of the day, problems can be resolved.

 

When parents who argue are aware on how to constructively present their issues with their children, when the reason behind the arguments are adequately explained, it would eventually lead to their kids figuring out a positive coping mechanism and would create a better understanding of the conflict. This would make children wiser and smarter when dealing with future disagreements not only inside the home but also when they grow up and start to mingle with other people and have their relationships.

 

How do couples rekindle their marriage that is slowly collapsing due to magnanimous responsibilities brought about by parenting?

“Kids whose parents’ relationship has cooled are more likely to have behavioral or academic problems than kids of happy couples,” shares Philip Cowan, PhD, a professor at the University of California, Berkeley, who studied families for decades.

 

Taken For Granted

On top of the 40-day work week, commitments with other people, bills to pay, and responsibilities to carry out as adults, couples also have that one particular job that they are tied to for the rest of their lives – being parents. Parenthood is a 24/7 obligation that couples can’t just set aside, which is why a lot of marriages suffer and deteriorate.

 

Keeping The Fire Alive

Through the dramatic changes in their relationship, couples must find a way to reignite their flailing marriage that’s primarily caused by life’s daily stressors. Couples must remember that marriage is the essential foundation that maintains a stable family structure. Weakening marriage bonds will create discord within the unit; for this reason, couples should not disregard their relationship for the sake of a peaceful, happy, and satisfied family.

 

How does one keep the fire of marriage burning?

 

 

 

1. Stop Focusing On The Negatives

“Most couples hope to keep the fires of romance burning forever,” notes Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of How To Be Happy Partners. She adds, “The antidote is having well-established guidelines for spending intimate time together.”

When people are stressed out, it’s not hard to find fault in everything, no matter how trivial the subject is. Instead of focusing on the smallest details that trigger you about each other, try to divert your thoughts on what made you love your partner in the first place.

 

Aim your attention at the fine qualities that the both of you have which made you love each other in the first place. Practice overlooking the bad in one another. It’s stressful enough to deal with the inconveniences of life; therefore, making a habit of ignoring what you hate about your partner and just finding positive things that can lighten up the day is more beneficial to your dwindling connection.

 

2. Commit To A Time-Off

One can’t deny the weight that parenting can contribute to a marriage. The hardships and struggles are what make families stronger. But just because you have devoted your life to being parents that do not mean that you would forget your commitment to your partner. To maintain a healthy marriage, couples must always set aside time to focus on their relationship. For example, they can take time off and go on a trip together without bringing their children, or you can go on a dinner date in a fancy restaurant. Take a breather. A quick getaway is significantly beneficial to revive romance or patch up any conflicts.

 

 

3. Generously Compliment Each Other

A little compliment won’t hurt. In fact, praises can quickly brighten up someone’s day and if that someone is your better-half, might as well muster a couple of compliments before the both of you start your day. In a world that’s filled with ignored kindness, it’s nice to know that the one you love notices the goodness in you.

 

Giving out compliments is not difficult; you can tell your spouse how the prepared breakfast was excellent, or how beautiful his or her features are. Compliments are such a powerful tool to remind your partner that they matter and that you notice their presence and importance.

“If you say, ‘the landscaping you did looks great and makes me feel really at peace in our home,’ your partner will have a completely different reaction than if you just say that you like the landscaping work,” discusses Joshua Klapow, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Birmingham, Alabama. “Sharing the emotion behind the compliment adds a more intense personal connection.”

The secret to keeping the bond alive is always to be there – talking and listening. If you wanted to maintain a steady and secure relationship, you’d do what it takes to make the necessary adjustments and actions that are required from you as a partner. Yes, parenting is hard. But it can be much easier if you have an established marriage instead of a broken one.